journey to a cute(r) tush

howdy, stranger.

2011-01-04T22:20:00.002-05:00

it has been many months since i have posted in this blog. and if you're reading this, that probably isn't news to you.

while i don't think i owe anyone an explanation, there are a few reasons why i stopped blogging, and i'm gonna just let it all hang out.

i got scared about my health and decided to ignore the situation.
yeah, this isn't a mature way to deal with something, but that's just the truth. i decided i wanted to just LIVE for a while. live as someone who doesn't have a weight problem, or an acid reflux problem, or whatever else might be going on.

i was distracted.
i started seeing someone, i was preparing for my spring trip to japan, i moved from an apartment to a house, i worked full-time in the summer, i transferred universities and subsequently went through a time of serious depression. while i didn't consider these things legitamet reasons to not be "on plan" (life happens, right?) - i allowed them to be. i just wasn't strong enough to do it all.

i recognize that i put my journey on the backburner, and almost as soon as i did it i realized it was a mistake. the thing is though, i don't feel guilty. i know i just needed that time to re-charge and reflect. some amazing things have happened to me on my "weight loss journey" during the months i was not actively losing weight, and that is because this "weight loss journey" is actually my life journey. and maybe i just needed to reconfigure that too.

.... in any event, i'm back :)

after all that has been said and done, i'm ready to get back to dealing with me and (more relevantly) dealing with the weight. and i've been lurking around the blog world - intermitently and imperceptively, but i've been around :) i've been watching the continuing progress of some of my favorite bloggers, and have been encouraged in their success and in their preservence.

in my travels i have seen that a lot of people, not just me, have struggled this past year. reading about their strength to get back on track has motivated me as well :)

it feels good.
i missed you bloggity blog.

ramblings

2010-03-14T15:43:00.006-04:00

i woke up with a sore throat this morning and the incessant urge to sneeze. i feel completely drained, but i don't know if that is because of the lack of sleep due to bachelorette/birthday partyness that has gone on this weekend mixed with the time change, or because i'm legitimately "sick" with a cold.

therefore, i sit here writing this blog post rockin' the i-don't-care-what-i-look-like-right-now-because-it-took-all-the-energy-i-had-just-to-shower look. i'm gearing up to start a marathon of homework, so the look works.

down to bizznass. first, weigh-in!

saturday morning, (i just sneezed fyi) i weighed in at 191.0 at WW which brings me back to my pre-florida/binge weight. i'm super excited because next week i could weigh-in in the 180's! *squeals of excitment*

i did want to tell you all a little bit about florida! it was a really nice trip that i spent with my mom and sister. at first, i wasn't sure how it was going to be spending so much time together, because i don't spend a lot of prolonged time with my family. however, we stayed at a resort in kissimee and spent our time shopping, swimming, at the spa, or doing other equally kewl things and all in all, it went pretty great! on wednesday i had the whole day to myself while my sister and mom went to disney, and that was sooo good. i'm not sure i would have made it through the trip without that day - i'm definitely one of those people that needs alone time to recharge.

the best part of the trip was the kayaking tour we took the day before we left. it was a night tour where we saw the sunset, and then got to go and search for some bioluminescent jellyfish! awesome fun!

our tourguide

a shot from my kayak

one of the not-so-great things that did happen on the trip was that i had a little meltdown at the grocery store when we went to go and get food. i had been sharing with my mom earlier that day about how hard it had been for me the past few weeks since my test, and how i was really struggling with food choices. she sympathized with me and seemed to understand. however, when we got to the grocery store that night, we split up. while i picked up a few healthy things, she piled the cart full of junk foods.

this stirred up some serious emotions in me. it brought me back to when i was first trying to lose weight at 285 lbs (when we still lived together) and she would always complain that my cooking was too healthy and that she didn't like it. she'd buy tons of junk food, put it in our cupboards and tell me to "just not eat it."

and this is the part of the story where i make a rant.

i hate it when people say, "well, i'll buy this and you just don't eat any!"

HA!

listen here, all you skinny people that think losing weight is just that easy.

listen here all you cold, unfeeling family members.

i hate it when you idiots say that to me! obviously i want to eat what you're buying. i'm not not buying it because i don't not want to eat it, you DINKOS. i want it just as much as you do!

the only thing that keeps me from buying that double chocolate brownie fudge batter ice cream is SHEER POWER OF WILL! and really, at some point (let's be realistic here) that is gonna wear off. so don't tell me to just "not eat it."

that's not gonna happen.

anyways! in other news... one of my favorite things in the world right now is my own green goddessish dressing. last week, i made a tomato/coconut shrimp recipe (SOOO GOOD) which called for fresh cilantro. the bunch i got from the store was soo big that i had tons of it leftover. to use it up, i decided i'd whip up a little salad dressing with some other things i had on hand, and it worked out fantastic! here's the "recipe" :)

quick and creamy cilantro dressing

handful of fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon hellman's light mayo
3ish tbsps water
salt
clove of garlic
1 tsp. onion powder

whip the ingredients in the magic bullet until smooth. yields approx a 1/4 cup of yummy green dressing!

honestly, this stuff rocks my world.

hope you all had a good weekend!

tgif

2010-03-12T18:38:00.002-05:00

when i stepped on the scale this morning, something amazing happened.

i stepped on, and was incredibly startled to see 190.0

i had to weigh myself twice just to double-check that i wasn't imagining things.

this - my friends - is completely unchartered ground. i mean, it's been unchartered for a while - but being on the brink of the 180's?! i feel a whole new sense of motivation to push forward.

just had to get that out of the way :)

this week i haven't been on track 100% with food, but i at least went grocery shopping and have been counting points. and drinking water. i'm slowly moving towards healthier overall living (i know myself, and i always move at turtle speeds) but i'm doing better than i have been the last few weeks, and that is good.

overall though it's been an amazing week. it was one of those weeks that could have been a downer (i was turned down for a promotion at work), but instead it has been fantastic and i feel so blessed to be living my life.

i love having that peace about where i am in life.

anyways, i'm off to a bachelorette party tonight! :) next post i will share some stuff about florida and my new love for green goddess dressing.

xoxo

monday is a new day.

2010-03-08T10:39:00.007-05:00

okay, i confess. i have been a slacker. the past few weeks have been a mixture of confusion/excitment/busyness, but i am back. and i've realized something important:

the endoscopy and subsequent "what if" questions totally freaked me out. after googling all the things that could be causing the acid/digestive-type problems i have been having for the past two years, my "it's not that serious" bubble was totally burst. suddenly i was overwhelmed with helplessness and frustration.

what really threw me off track were some of the recommendations to clean up your digestive system. i mean, i've already given up almost all white carbs and sugar in an effort to lose weight and combat insulin resistance. other recommendations were to eliminate dairy and gluten (wheat), limit hard-to-digest vegetables (such as broccoli and brussel sprouts) and eat as little meat as possible.

that might be fine and dandy, but i have been instructed to stay away from certain things because they effect the acidity in my stomach. i stopped eating oranges and grapefruits, don't drink coffee or anything that is caffienated, or eat certain spicy foods (so sad since i love curry...).

in this whirlwind of "DON'T EAT THIS, DON'T EAT THAT!" i began to feel like,

HOLY CRAP - WHAT CAN I EAT?!?!?

needless to say, i had a little meltdown on a trip to the grocery store. absolutely everything i picked up had something "bad for me" in it. i left the store crying, drove home and cried myself to sleep. i then followed that up with a three week binge on many many crappy foods, because i just felt defeated and needed to live in denial for a while.

anyways, it's three weeks later and i am back on the wagon. i finally admitted to myself how upsetting this whole situation has been for me, and have made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the test.

in the meantime, i've cut myself some slack. i am continue to eat healthy in the best way i know how. even if i can't figure everything out with my body right now - i can still lose weight and that will help my overall health.

thanks for being patient and hangin' in there with me.

in other news - i was in a musical on the weekend which was a fundraiser for my trip to japan in may. it was fantastic! here are some pics:

gettin' mic'd! (yes i made him pose)

showtimeee

end of the show!

again, thank you to all you who follow me, for all your support and for sticking with me. i really appreciate your words of encouragment and they are what keep me comin' on back to this blog :)

xoxo.

a not-so-quickie quickie

2010-02-15T11:31:00.004-05:00

so i am back on the wagon after a week-long wander into carbland. i don't think a vegetable passed my lips for those four days!

monday, tuesday, and wednesday were stamped as epic failures and i wallowed in guilt until thursday when i decided i just needed a breather. i needed some time to think about stuff other than my weight. i realized during this self-imposed hiatus that the meal plan is not something i should be doing on a regular basis - only during busy times. this week i felt incredibly restricted and it just backfired completely. when i was forced to eat things that were not on the plan, i felt a complete loss of control. it was also demoralizing to think that i had spent sooo much of my time on something that i wasn't. even. using. anyway, i remembered that part of why i love ww is that it is flexible! my life is always crazy and i need to be able to let the program work for me. so, no more meal plans that are that strict...

anyways, in other news i am going away for spring break baby!

FLORIDA HERE I COME!

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!

i'm pretty excited! booked my flight on thursday night, so all things are go... i am leaving in one week today! *shocked face*

i'm really looking forward to a vacation and having some me-time. christmas was a great break - but it felt like it was all go-go-go-go. i basically lived out of my car for a week travelling around to see friends and family. after new years i thought i would have time to chill/relax/figure out life... but i spent three days watching jersey shore and then it was back to the grind. no fair!

so this time i'm looking forward to five days of bliss on a beach and am working like a mad little bunny on homework so i can go with no assignments looming over my head. *sigh* such is the life of a student.

in other news, i am still training for the 5k. i increased my speed so i am back to intervals (blah). it's harder than i expected it to be at this point. i thought by this point i would just be used to running - maybe even enjoy it... but i still struggle around 5 - 10 mins, and after that a string of unmentionable curse words occupy my mind. hopefully this will change soon. at least i'm still at it? that's an accomplishment, right?! heck, i've been running since the beginning of november... four months dude. that's committment.

anyway i wanted to share a little story to finish off this post; something that reminded me of the importance of little steps going the distance.

well, last year around this time i weighed about 210 lbs. i had just started a new job and my supervisor weighed about the same as me after recently losing a lot of weight on ww. i found her weight loss really inspiring and so when i joined ww again back in the summer, i let her know. at that point she was maintaining her weight but was no longer doing the program.

i continued with ww during the summer, but come fall i lost motivation and spent two months off of the program. once the end of october rolled around, i realized i needed to get my crap together. a big motivator for me to rejoin was something i had written in my journal two years before; "...i don't want to be at this same place next year..."

it was really humbling reading that more than two years later. i still had the same goals and desires, and i had let myself be slack for way too long. it was positively unacceptable to think that a year from then things could still be the same. i wasn't going to allow it. i wouldn't continue to let my life pass by me unhappy and unfulfilled. i rejoined ww in october with a fresh resolve.

now for the neat part. since i started that job last year, which seems like aaaaages ago (but of course at the same time like yesterday) i have lost about 20 lbs. i'm happy for my accomplishments, including the weight loss, but sometimes get frustrated and feel like i could have done more.

the other day i went in to work and bumped into my old supervisor, whom i haven't seen for quite a few months. while we chit-chatted i couldn't help but notice that she has gained a lot of weight since the last time i saw her. probably 30 - 40 lbs.

something about seeing her made me swell with pride. i think it is because we started at the same point, but went two separate ways. i know that if i had made choices that did not put my health as a priority - being a member at ww, making healthy meals, going to the gym, etc. then i could very well be in the same spot as i was last year (my initial fear) or worse - have gained even more weight.

the sacrifices, decisions, and money that have gone in this journey haven't been wasted. and it's still just beginning! i know that the future has so much more for me...

have a great day bloggies!

meal plan!

2010-02-08T03:25:00.002-05:00

now, just for the record, i'm not a detail-oriented person... the pts values are guesstimated here and there...

hard work = success

2010-02-08T01:26:00.005-05:00

sorry i have been mia for the past week or so! i really have no good excuse, only that i have been too lazy to write about the happenings of my life!

this past week was much less stressful than other recent ones. my "to-do" list has gotten significantly shorter, and so i feel much less overwhelmed! :) i by no means have life "under control" - but i'm working on it! and the good news is despite having the urge to binge on carbs until the point of a food coma every day - i still managed to lose 1.2 lbs this last week!

*thumbs up*

i am now at 192.6 lbs!

i made another meal plan this week because i found it was really helpful last time - for a few reasons.

the meal plan helps me make good choices objectively. i can see my food laid before me before i even purchase it, let alone put it in my mouth! it's helped me realize how much i truly eat without thinking, and how much more balance i can use in my diet. the new perspective has been really helpful!

it takes the edge off of having to constantly plan what i am going to eat. i hate that feeling of being starved because i didn't pack a lunch, or didn't have a snack to bring, am standing in line with nothing healthy to order or am home and have nothing suitable to make a meal in my fridge. it's much less chaotic to just take some extra time at the beginning of the week and have everything more or less done, accessible, and ready-to-go.

this meal plan idea has been a part of practicing what i've been learning recently.

i am at a time in my life where i really feel myself changing. i'm beginning to realize that to get from where you are to where you want to be requires hard work. this may sound simple and obvious to some of you, but it is a lesson that is only truly hitting home for me now.

for example - so many times i beat myself up for not being farther ahead in life, whether that be in school/a career/a relationship/whatever. the feeling creeps up especially during times when i have to contemplate major life decisions, like i have in these past couple of weeks.

it's especially severe when i see old friends who are happily plugging along in life, or meet people who are doing what i want to be doing. it is so easy for me to be confronted with their success, become inflamed with jealousy and spiral into a mental landslide of negative emotion and self-talk.

however, this week i realized something worth sharing: it is easy to be jealous of someone's success.

it is easy for me to look at others great opportunities/skills/talents/accomplishments and die a little bit inside, because i don't have what they have.

however, 9 times/10 that success is simply a byproduct of years and years of hard work.

i see success, not the hours of practice.

i see success, not the years of volunteer work and study.

i see success, not the heartbreak and doubt.

it is so easy to be jealous of someone's success if you're ignorant of how hard they worked to achieve it.

this lesson obviously applies to my weight-loss journey as well. it is another aspect of my life where i cannot neglect the importance of plain 'ol hard work. yes, making my meal plan was a pain in the buttocks. but perhaps that's just what it takes to be successful. either it is worth it to me or it isn't.

hopefully you are able to see that i decided it was :)

anyhoo, feel free to post any comments on this! i love your comments! i'll post a copy of this week's meal plan! sorry i didn't post last week's but i ~~didn't think it was good~~ didn't think you'd be interested. you are more than welcome to peruse this one :)

toodles!

p.s. can't forget to say how SUPER excited i am to have won kerry's book giveaway! yay yay yay! so excited to dig into that baby!

one of those days.

2010-02-01T10:16:00.006-05:00

monday morning always comes too soon, doesn't it?!

just finished my bowl of steel-cut oats with brown sugar and almond breeze. yum.

yesterday was just one of those days. i work downtown on sundays and had agreed to drop some friends off at church on the way there. we were running late and everything was chaotic. they were harping on the fact that they were late, and i was super worried about getting to work on time. needless to say, i was gunnin' it. then, low and behold - for the first time in my life people - i got a speeding ticket.

GRRRRRRRRR!!*#&&#$

needless to say, once i got to work the day didn't get much better. i managed to survive until i got home, where i then proceeded to eat two bowls of pasta and mini-wheats and then go to bed.

when i read tiff's post this morning, it spoke to that place in me that just feels like a failure. last night before i binged on carbs, i felt so overwhelmed. things that i haven't done, people i haven't talked to, homework assignments i haven't started kept popping into my mind one after another, each one with their own emotional blow. i would remember one, wallow briefly in depression and associated bad feelings, then think "ugh - whatever, forget it!" just so i could relax. i would stuff all my emotions down and ignore them so i didn't have to think about them at all.

it was not until this morning that i realized in stuffing and ignoring those emotions i was ignoring my own needs. in saying, "i don't care!" instead of allowing myself to feel, or addressing the real issue, i allowed myself to be weak and helpless. hence the binge on comfort food. yeah. kay. click.

anyways just thought i'd share. i'm off to do some laundry.

make sure to check out tj's blog 'cuz she is doing a massively amazing giveaway! as well as kerry who is giving away a copy of a book that changed her life!

toodles! :)

an update with expression

2010-01-30T23:44:00.013-05:00

hellooo bloggity blog! high fiveeee, another week under the belt!

at weigh-in this morning i weighed in at 193.8! meaninggg my dear friends, that i am down 1.8 this week! :D it really worked folks!

i am so encouraged. in the past, when i hit a plateau i simply gave up... i'd get all distracted with life or whatever was going on, i'd give myself excuses to "put things on hold for a while," but this time i was not willing to! obvi there's no way i was listening to those lies anymore! this is my chance to make a change and make it for good...

anyways, i knew i had a hard week ahead of me, and so i planned and planned and planned. the meal plan and grocery list took me about two hours to sort out on monday. in the end, i didn't even end up following it 100% (deets further down) but it definitely made me accountable. this week there were so many times i thought, "oh, i'll just have a piece of that..." or "maybe i'll grab something on the way..." but then i would have to quickly remind myself that i had no points to "fool around with"! everything had already been accounted for.

that experience really opened my eyes to how much whimsical eating i do. by whimsical (yeah, totally just made that up) i mean the kind of eating that follows my thoughts of "hm, i feel like this!" or "hey, maybe i'll get some of that!" apparently i feel whimsical quite often (which is good for my alterior identity as a magical elf), but i didn't even realize how much it was effecting my efforts to drop some poundz.

in other news, on wednesday i had my endoscopy.

yes, i was pretty nervous. but once i got there all the doctors and nurses were really nice and put me at ease. i put on my stylin' gown and robe. i was told they were going to sedate me with a general anesthetic, but it turned out the anesthetic was optional (!) and so i opted to be awake for the procedure. yeah, i'm hardcore like that.

it was soooo cool to see inside my own body. the doctor sent a long tube down my esophagus and into my stomach. it was uncomfortable, but it didn't really hurt. he poked around in there for a few minutes, took some biopsies of my stomach lining and then it was all over. the whole thing probably only took about 5 - 7 minutes.

the most embarassing part about the whole thing was that even though i had fasted for more than ten hours for the procedure (as per their instructions), there was a ton of food in my stomach! the doctor told me this was really abnormal (i could even recognize the brussell sprouts i had had for dinner the night before! GROSS right?!) and said maybe that is part of what is causing problems with my stomach. he gave me a perscription for a medication, so we'll see. i'm highly skeptical of doctors, especially when it seems like they're just pulling pills out from their sleeves for everything.

anyhoo, since the endoscopy i had some unusual pain in my stomach, so i haven't been eating as much (hence the non-meal-plan following). it's much better today though and i even felt well enough to go to the gym and run 5k!!

now, this is not a super big deal because i did a 5 min warm-up walk and a 5 min walk in the middle because of some stomach pain... but this run felt frickin' amazing. i pushed myself harder than i have in a long time because i wanted to see THREE FREAKIN' MILES on the little screen. and i did :)

so that's the story, morning glory. life is as it is... school, eat, sleep, run, be fantastic. watch glee. love sue sylvester and her hilarity. spend three hours at sephora. drink starbucks soy chai latte (thrice). flirt with barista boys at starbucks who say i smell good (despite the fact i have not done laundry in two weeks, score). read pride and prejudice and laugh out loud at mr. collins. do dishes that have piled up for days. dance. nap.

hope you're havin' a great one!

to-do list for today

2010-01-25T23:01:00.003-05:00

1. get up. check.

2. study like a crazy woman. check. the article (from hell) that i never thought i'd be able to understand began to make sense today! (on the third read). hoorah! later on i must also immerse myself in pride and prejudice until i finish it (by thursday).

3. run like a crazy woman at the gym. check! i ran 3 kilometres in 25 minutes today guys. i am doing this. it feels amazing.

4. drink water like a crazy woman. check. got those 3 litres in!

5. eat crazy delicious lunch as per my strategically organized week-long-meal-plan-for-success. check! mmm so delicious and scheduled...

6. have a crazy awesome time at work doing karate. check! i ate some unexpected pizza, but i'll scribble it down and keep on keepin' on...

7. go grocery shopping. check. i picked up more greek yogurt (from the only place that sells it in the city) and did a fruit and veggie run with my list (attached to the meal plan). i squirmed at the cash registered but knocked out the big bucks because i figure it will be worth it to just have everything i need and not have to go to the store midweek. i probably spend the same amount of moolah every week but it never seems like that much because it's in random bits here and there...

8. come home, study, and enjoy a fabulous soy chai latte. mmm. check.

there's my whole 'lotta crazy for today. the past two nights i have successfully managed to avoid the orange blossoms on the counter of our kitchen labelled "for everyone" and all in all stick to my eating plan. if that doesn't spell s-u-c-c-e-s-s i don't know what does.

off to study! :)

yummy yummy

2010-01-24T00:17:00.009-05:00

so, today was weigh-in day and i, well... didn't weigh in. the first reason was because i have to renew my membership in two weeks and so to stretch my (non-abundant) funds further i decided i would use my "missed meeting" coupon. secondly (and admittedly not a very good reason to miss a meeting, but i'm just bein' honest here), i have come to accept the fact that i have hit a plateau.

i unofficially weighed myself this morning and came in at 195.something. ugh! despite my efforts for the past three weeks my body has refused to lose weight. it's a sad and demoralizing situation, however! i made a resolution this morning not to wallow in my own capulence and decided to use the time i had while i was playin' hooky from the meeting to formulate a plan of attack. i did some internet reading and read through the ww pamphlet on pushing past plateaus. after that i made a spreadsheet of all my meals for the week and a grocery list! tomorrow i will be making a schedule of gym/study time. then it's only a matter of transferring it from paper to real life! and that's easy ;) (HAha)

honestly, i think part of what's causing this plateau is just the stress i'm feeling in life. life has been a little bumpy for me since christmas, and i've been having to buckle down and think out major decisions and deal with what's going to happen in the future. sometimes i just feel completely overwhelmed.

but i've had a great few weeks! and everyday i make a little more progress. i really am enjoying my new classes and work is still fantastic. i have amazing friends, i'm blessed, and things are just totally working out for me even though sometimes it doesn't "feel" like it. i keep reminding myself everyday to stay positive and look at everything that is good and wonderful in my life! and believe me, i have 489549755.5 things to be thankful for.

now, one of the things i'm thankful for in life is stumbling upon a good recipe. as promised, i wanted to share the recipe i tried the other day for falafels!

as my little story goes, i had a can of chickpeas hangin' around my cupboard.

as you can see, it was just beggin' to be used:

after rollin' around some foodie websites, i decided falafels were in order! i found a ww recipe, and after a little tweaking came up with this:

falafels for a cuter tush

1 can chickpeas, drained
1 medium onion
2 - 3 cloves fresh garlic
1/4 tsp. baking soda
salt (a few shakey-shakeys)
handful chopped fresh coriander
sprinkle of cumin
1 - 2 tbsps flour
1 tbsp olive oil

directions!

chop up onion, garlic, and coriander; place in mixing bowl. mash or blend chickpeas (i did mine in the magic bullet) and chuck the them into the bowl with the ongariander mix. stir together until you have a nice looking mish-mash. add baking soda, salt, and flour (enough to make it not super sticky).

after preheating your oven to 400 degrees, pull out your best non-stick frying pan. pour in olive oil (i'm sure you could also use non-stick spray, i just like the oilyness) and heat it on up. form patties with the chickpea mixture and fry 'em on each side. place the browned patties on a non-stick cookie sheet and bake for 15 - 20 minutes, until they feel firm in the middle.

then, voila! YUMMYNESS!

i have been eating mine in a high-protein pita with tzadiki and lots of romaine lettuce. it's been a super nutricious and low-point lunch for me! each patty is only about 1 or 2 pts, depending on how big it is. i count two smallish patties with romaine and a tbsp of tzadiki 7 pts! :D

anyways, if you try this recipe let me know if you enjoy it. hope you're all having an amazing weekend!

seven things and a huge nsv

2010-01-20T19:50:00.007-05:00

the past few days have been quite the whirlwind, and unfortunately the blogging has fallen to the wayside. never fear! i am still here and doing fairly well. i'm just having a little bit of a hard time working out the kinks in life, but i'm learning to be at peace with taking it all in one thing at a time.

sometimes it's just hard to re-adjust, to fall back into a groove. but it's a constant thing as a student because life is always up in the air. for example, recently i spent endless hours recruiting a new room mate for our apartment only to find out today someone else has decided to move out. it's tough, it sucks, it stresses me out - but it's life and i'm learning to deal with all the bumps along the way. the very obscure, untraditional, one-day-this-is-gonna-make-an-awesome-memoir way.

now, once upon a time i was tagged by the beautiful tiffany and given a "beautiful blogger" award! hoorah!

as is the custom, i will (as a token of my appreciation!) share with you seven random things about myself in no particular order;

1. i lose my cell phone.

it is a commonly known fact by my friends and family that i lose my cell phone. i break it, i wash it, i leave it places. people do not expect to get a hold of me when they call. my messages are routinely full, many times i only check them biweekly. i am the person that texts you three days after you sent me your text. it's sad, i know.

2. i sing.

quite well.

3. i learn for fun.

in highschool i read an article about how no one should go to college unless they want to. i took it really seriously. education should only be for those who really want to learn, it said - and i think i still believe that. somewhere along the way i realized i really like to learn and i'm good at it. i like school, and i also like picking up random hobbies and skills. yes, i'm a nerd.

4. i sleep with five pillows.

strange but true. the more pillows, the better. i hog them. i snuggle them. i love them.

5. i have never been kissed.

nope, nada, never. it just is what it is folks. i'm not sure whether it's just 100% sad and pathetic or if someday i'll be happy i spent my life waiting for a special guy. i guess we'll see.

6. i watch makeup videos on youtube.

i have a strange obsession with makeup. it's one of those things i could buy oodles and oodles of and never have enough to satiate my desires to buy more. a part of this strange obsession is that i have been known to watch makeup videos and tutorials on youtube. this definitely isn't a daily or even a monthly occurence, but it has been known to happen.

7. i love to garden.

not only is gardening one of my lesser-known hobbies, but i spent four years of my life working at a large, prominent garden centre. i did a variety of jobs there and even met a few celebrities. many times people assumed i had been to school for horticulture. really, i just read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people. it's not rocket science.

and that makes lucky number seven! hope you enjoyed those tidbits about yours truly :)

before i say adieu i want to share a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge NSV with you guys! yeah, this is big people, this is real big. as you know - i have been running. and as you know, i hit a plateau at eight minutes. soooooo much in me was so discouraged at not being able to get past eight minutes. i kept thinking - how on earth am i gonna run this 5k race in march?!

well, a couple of days ago (i know, i know! i should have blogged right away but i didn't have enough time to do it justice!) i went to the gym and took some advice from my sister and the friendly folks over at the ww message boards. everyone suggested that i slow my pace for endurance and then gradually increase it once i can run the length of the race. well, i lowered it by one mile an hour and I RAN FOR 17 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I KNOW. I KNOW! TRY AND CALM YOURSELVES!

honestly, i can hardly express to you how HAPPY i was when i finished that run! it was like i had conquered the world. i was so refreshed and encouraged. now i definitely know i can run that whole race. no, it's not going to be easy but if i can run almost half the race right now and i still have more than a month to train, i will definitely be able to run the whole thing come march!

anyways, just want to thank all of you who read my blog for believing in me. i write this blog for me, but it is so nice to have encouragment from you and to know that i am inspiring you in some way on your journey as well.

tomorrow i will post the recipe for yummy falafels i made today! toodles! <3

weigh-in

2010-01-17T23:14:00.004-05:00

i have been sooo busy for the last week. i sat down on wednesday night to make my comprehensive "to-do" list, and believe it or not it was actually twenty tasks long! most of the things aren't light or fluffy either, they are serious things that i hate dealing with. we're talking bills, doctors, school, money, bank, planning-for-the-future kind of tasks. bah.

i weighed in on saturday at 195.6 which is .4 up from last week. honestly - i don't know what to say. i tracked sooo well this week, worked out at least three times and still gained. i'm frustrated and trying to pinpoint what could be wrong. there are only a few things that i think could be at the root of this problem;

1. water
i drank at least six glasses every day this week (so still within the healthy guidelines range), but sometimes i find that is just not enough. optimally i need to get in at least eight of water alone, and then everything else is bonus. this week i'm going to make a point of getting in more water.

2. tom
i've been feeling super hormonal and bloaty lately, so i feel like that tom is a'comin soon. part of me hopes i am just retaining tons of water, but i don't really think that is realistic. what if it's not water?

3. a plateau
i've experienced plateaus on ww before, and they always discouraged me to the point where i just quit the program. i'm glad that i'm at a place in life now where i can honestly say that i don't see doing ww as a program, or a diet - but this is the way that i am, the way that i eat and the way i look after my body. i still have random blips (for example, i definitely had a slushie and some reeses tonight) but at the end of the day i know what i need to do to feel fresh, healthy and alive - so i do it, no matter what my scale reads.

as far as the scope goes, turns out my appointment last thursday was only for a consultation (apparently my doctor was wrong to tell me i would get the scope on my first appointment, the specialist's secretary told me this is a frequent problem). anyways, the new date for the scope is this thursday. needless to say, i'm dreading it and absolutely hate the thought of having to go to the hospital for this. bahbahbahx100.

anyhoo, i'm off to watch the real housewives of the oc. just wanted to come clean on the ww dealio and report re: the non-happening (but soon to happen) scope. i'll be back with better posts later. ttyl!

i double as a superhero

2010-01-11T09:57:00.004-05:00

so yesterday night, my room mates and i were up late hanging around the apartment. we were talking in the living room, when suddenly we heard a rather loud (but distant) ringing sound. my room mates thought it was coming from one of the other apartments, but i had an inkling that it was coming from waaaay down the hall, and that someone was stuck in the elevator.

needless to say, i mosied on down to see and sure enough i was right! i was a little shocked that i was the only person to come out of an apartment. even our superintendents live right next to the elevator! the ringing had been going on for at least five minutes! i began to mobilize a help party (oh yes, i'm totally a superhero) so i knocked on their door. it took them a good long while to answer and then when i explained the situation they stood there completely dumbfounded. they came out to fiddle with the buttons on the elevator until i (impatiently) asked them if there was an emergency number they could call.

elevator dude's wife showed up a short time later and explained that he had only been taking a trip down to take out the garbage. hahah. i couldn't help but laugh. eventually help came, and he was liberated to go back and live his life. yay! all in a day's work. but seriously, it's disturbing that no one else came to help! all i could think was what if someone was attacked in the elevator? everyone would have just continued chilling in their apartments watching their jeopardy and eating their cheese doodles.

ANywhayz, in other news, i am slightly terrified because today i have to go for a esophagogastroduodenoscopy today. yeah, try saying that three times fast! ;) i've had the appointment for months, but wasn't really thinking much about it (my doctor said it was no big deal) until last night, when i googled it and found out that for the procedure they hop you up on a cocktail of painkillers, muscle relaxants, sedatives and external analgesics. gah. i'm really hoping and praying everything will be alright, and that this just lets me know the source of the craziness that has been occuring in my body (i've had unexplained acid reflux for two years). i'm not super excited about the drugs though, or the scope. boo, i'm such a baby :(

anyways, ttyl!

mmm, pancakes.

2010-01-09T12:56:00.002-05:00

so, for some unknown reason (or possibly a rogue can of diet coke) i was up until 4:30 am last night. i sat in the wee hours of the morning, watching the newest episode of jersey shore (yes, i'm pathetic) on almost-mute so that i didn't wake the dog.

snaps for me though, i still got up bright and early for my weigh-in.

no loss this week, i stayed the exaaactly same. slightly annoying since i was good this week (!), but i'm pretty sure it's just water weight because according to my scale i was down a few days ago but ballooned up suddenly for no reason at all.

i don't really have a plan for today. i'm still in "break" mode but there is a lot of stuff i have to do before school starts again on tuesday. i am so not ready to go back, but it will be good to have more structure in my life again. i definitely benefit from that. and i am excited to see my friends. i've kind of been a hermit for the last week.

can i just tell you what an amazing breakfast i had this morning? i decided that after weigh-in i would eat whateeeeeeeeeever i wanted, and i decided i really wanted pancakes. with fruit. and whipped cream.

the best part was that i contemplated a variety of options in my mind, but settled on making my world-famous (hmm, work with me) oatmeal pancakes, the kind i make in my magic bullet. i figured i could pick up a small container of whipped cream, and use some of my amazing europe's best fruit mix.

needless to say, it turned out fabulous. unfortunately i am a big butt since i didn't get to snap a picture (i was starving and my room mate and i were having an important convo i couldn't really tear myself away from) but it was glorious and exactly what i wanted.

this is kind of a nsv. even after giving myself freedom to choose whatever i wanted, i still wanted wholesome, hearty, healthy food. sure, normally i don't eat dollops and dollops of whipped cream (although, i'd rather eat it than its weird, synthetic counterpart). but the oatmeal pancakes and fruit were both things i eat all the time. i guess it's true that the food you eat quickly becomes the food you crave.

this just brings home the fact that for me, ww is just a tool that i am using to change my life. beyond the point-counting, meetings, booklets, pamphlets, etc. - i am learning to nourish my body and holistically look after myself. it's wonderful!

have a great saturday bloggies! get some sunshine!

i'll huff 'n puff 'n blow your effing house down

2010-01-07T23:35:00.015-05:00

today was another unexciting day. i started it off with a bowl of shreddies and an apple, and then hopped off to the gym. after 15 mins on the elliptical, i did a 25 min run/walk. got home feelin' good and took the dog out for a pee.

i don't think i have blogged about this yet, but to my complete and utter surprise my sister registered me for a 5k run as one of my christmas gifts. needless to say, on christmas morn' she told me the news and i was overcome with terror, anxiety, excitment and joy. this is something i so deeply want to do for myself. in fact, i was already looking into it, but had managed to talk myself out of doing it in the near future. bah, what is family for?

the race is in march, which is only a couple short months away. this is really forcing me to take running seriously. up until now, i have been loosely following the couch to 5k plan, but more or less on my own terms. the longest i have run has been 8 1/2 minutes. unfortunately, that's just not gonna cut it for the race. i want to be able to run all of it. and if that's too lofty a goal, i want to do my very best trying.

something that has been sort of looming over my head is a comment my dad made the other day when i told him about the race. i mentioned that my sister and i were doing it together and one of the only things he said was, "well, you'll certainly be huffing and puffing... (insert chuckle here)"

my heart dropped when he said that. i actually wanted to punch him in the face. i couldn't believe that he didn't have one word of encouragment for me. instead, he decided to make an assumption. yeah, my sister weighs less than i do. yeah, she has been running longer than i have. you may think you're funny, but obviously you are just saying that because you think i am too fat to run. well, @#!* you.

what he said cut me somewhere deep. his words were like the voices of failure i allowed myself to accept over the years just because i was too "fat."

for so much of my life i allowed myself to be second best, to sit in the shadows, and to believe those voices that said i was not enough. i believed the words of shame, fear and uncertainty.

if i still listened to those voices, i wouldn't run - because fat girls don't run.

but i've changed.
it's terrifying and exhilarating.
i push myself harder - and damnit

i change.

i don't hear my doubts as loudly.

i outrun my fears.

i will run this race to prove those voices, and my old self, wrong.

that being said, i leave you with the lyrics to one of my new fav workout songs which continues to motivate me to runnnn run run! "check yes juliet" by we the kings;

lace up your shoes
here's how we do
run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart

don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run

forever will be
You and me

anyways, hope you had a great thursday. toodles!

puppy sitting

2010-01-05T18:34:00.014-05:00

today, during my convalescence, i spent most of my time puppy sitting. my room mate had to work and so the puppy and i chilled out and watched movies. once she settled down for an afternoon nap, i had some chicken soup (hopefully it will help me feel better), blueberries, and roasted brussel sprouts for lunch.

around 3 o'clock, i managed to rally enough energy to do some grocery shopping. i braved the frigid weather to go to no frills, and picked up some yummies, including a box of cake mix and some club soda to make ww cupcakes!

so exciting.

when i came home i had some leftover speghetti with whole wheat noodles, and then i commenced the cupcake plan. i'm sure most of you have had these, they are super easy. you just take:

- any cake mix

- a can of diet coke (but i prefer club soda)

mix the two together to make the batter and then bake as normal. no eggs, no oil, just club soda and cake mix! they make yummy little cupcakes that are around 100 cals a piece. i used duncan hines french vanilla cake mix, and i had a bottle of club soda left over from a party so i measured out 355 ml to add. when i mixed it all up it looked like this!

i also picked up some decaf vanilla hazelnut coffee! i made some in the french press with steamed milk while the cupcakes were in the oven. yumm!

and now i am enjoying one of these little cupcakes, with my coffee, while i write this post :)

i will leave you guys with some thoughts from yesterday. you see, last night i went to work and we went snow tubing. it was really cold, but sooo much fun! my group really enjoyed it, and so did i.

there is something about a ski hill at night - it's so quiet and peaceful. always lit up just perfectly. i was at the bottom of the hill at one point, looking around and thinking about how four or five years ago, snow tubing would have terrified me. not because i am afraid of heights or going down icy hills in inflatable tubes (which i totally am, but that is besides the point), but because i would have thought i was too overweight to even try.

the fact that last night that thought did not even cross my mind is a testament to how far i have really come. my weight used to hold me back from so many things, and from living my life to the fullest. i can truly and honestly say that as i continue to transform my body and my life, that is not true anymore. i'm happy it's not.

weigh-in and a furry friend

2010-01-04T10:39:00.003-05:00

so this post is basically a random mish-mash of updates, or something of the sort. first of all, weigh-in!

even though i had gained some weight last week according to my scale, i must have peed most of it away because i weighed in at 195.2 lbs, that's .4 lost! made it to that .1% percentile of "loss"
that i gave myself. i was soo convinced i would gain. maybe it was that i ~~almost stripped naked~~ wore the same clothes i did at my last weigh-in, but who knows.

when i came home, there was a little surprise waiting for me! one of my room mates and her boyfriend adopted a puppy and brought her here to stay for the week. she's a little lab-mix pup, 3 months old, and a ball of energy!

isn't she cute?! it has great to have a puppy around! i absolutely love animals! she is so playful, but definitely a handful. it is obvious that my room mate and her boyfriend didn't really know what they were getting themselves into when they adopted her. my roommate goes to school full-time and they both work, so i have no idea what will happen to this puppy once life goes back to "normal." she needs constant supervision, needs to be potty-trained and has a few bad habits already. for example, when you pick her up she snarls and tries to bite you. that's fine in a pup that's five or so lbs, but what happens when she is the size of a lab!?

anyhoo, in other news apparently i am coming down with a little head-cold. i wondered why for the past few days i have felt so drained of energy! even on new years eve, i could barely motivate myself to go out for the concert/mingle thing (which was super fun, p.s.)! the entire night i wanted to go home! and that is so not like me.

yesterday, after getting home from church, we had lunch and then i "went to my room for a few minutes to check my email." those few minutes turned into a 3 hour nap! when i woke up, i had something to eat, and then spent the entire rest of the night wanting to go back to sleep.

when i woke up this morning i felta little better but... not really. i had some oatmeal for breakfast with banana and protein powder. i looove oats. now, the other day i tried the breakfast cookie; which has oats, protein powder, peanut butter, a splash of almond milk and whatever else you wanna throw in it. i made it with a few chocolate chips (sorry i didn't snap a pic). i told you that once i tried it i would tell you what i thought. well, the jury is out and i didn't like it. yes, it kept me full for a few hours - but i hated the taste/texture of uncooked oats. if you have an aversion to cooked oatmeal, i encourage you to try the recipe. however, i love me some cooked cereal. so, the next day i decided to throw all of the same ingredients into a bowl of cooked oats and it had the same effect. tasted decent to me and kept me full for 3.5 hours!

i'm off then to pop this vitamin cocktail... mmm... i have no plan for the day but hopefully i start feeling better and can cross a few things off my to-do list that is about 494095.5 things long! have a great day and toodles!

up and at it!

2010-01-02T09:05:00.005-05:00

i was up super late last night watching the time travellers wife. quite the sobfest. i then found my house all eerie (yeah, the movie kind of freaked me out) so i made a breakfast cookie and managed to fall asleep around 2 am.

since i have some people coming over today, i wanted to go to my meeting early. but man, i hate getting up early! especially to put on as little clothes as possible for my weigh-in!

i'm 99.9% sure i have gained weight, and i haven't fully gotten back on the wagon. i haven't been eating tons of crap since tuesday, but i have yet to do that refill-your-cupboards-and-crispers-with-healthy-food grocery shop yet. yesterday i literally ate the random leftover foods of my room mates (and some leftover pizza from new years) because i was out of food and there wasn't a grocery store open.

anyways, this is just a quickie. i'll post something after my meeting. toodles.

crazy shopping times!

2009-12-31T13:42:00.006-05:00

yesterday my sister, my mom and i decided to take a little trip to buffalo and do some cross-border shopping (yes, my american friends - we heart you and your kewl stuff). anyhoo, needless to say i went a little over my budget... *bite nail*... but i got some amazing stuff that i am really excited about! most of it is clothes, but i also got some makeup and jewlery.

i laid out a good portion of the stuff on my bed;

a pashmina, some tshirts (they were $4), that plaid thing you see buried is a dress i got for $2! i spent quite a bit on purses. needless to say i have been using the same purse since may, even though the zipper is broken. i love big purses. i stuff 4974755.4 things in them, and haul them around like santa claus with a big bag 'o toys. yes, that woman in the mall who huffs, grunts, and accidentally slams people with her enormous bag is me. bahahah.

this is a closeup of the stuff i'm reeeally excited about. the coach wristlets were $23! and the makeup is my favorite stuff!

weeeeeeeee! now, i bought a ton of clothes from target because they are cheap and awesome. i bought 2 dresses in particular that i think are grand, and i think i am going to wear one tonight. a friend of mine invited me to go to an informal concert/mingle thing. sooo which one do you think i should wear?!

this one... i love the flowers!

or this one? i'd wear both with a black cardigan 'cause maaaaaaan it's cold these days! last night driving back home from the states my mom and my sister didn't stop complaining in the car about how i was blasting the heat! i loooove my heat. lol.

anyhoo friends, happy new years to you all! have a great one and spend it with those you love!

goodbye 2009

2009-12-31T13:16:00.002-05:00

wow, i really can't believe this year is almost over.

this time last year? man, i can't even remember what was going on. i was really depressed in november, but christmas was a momentary escape from the humdrum of life. i was so unhappy. thank goodness that has changed! i'm so glad that life is fluid and adaptable, and even though sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a rut there is always the opportunity to commence total life renovation.

this year i have accomplished so much. i started a job that i thought i would hate, but instead have truly grown to love. i've lost 15 lbs. i started running. i made friends with people who are (now) some of the most influencial people in my life. i made major decisions about staying in school instead of travelling the world. i saved money. i learned a lot.

looking back, i want to be able to say there was a defining moment. but really, this past year has looked like a lot of other years in my life; a gradual unfolding of strength, character, and self-discovery. i continue to slowly but surely aspire to become someone better, someone more merciful, forgiving, loving, and faithful. i don't live a glamorous rockstar life, but God has given me so much to be thankful for this past year, and so much to look forward to in the next.

christmas pics!

2009-12-29T12:20:00.011-05:00

here are some pictures from my christmas shenanigans!

the mocktail bartendress! always a hit at parties :)

enchiladas with dear friends!

they unfortunately made me sick though..

(the enchiladas, that is... heh)

notice my trusty water bottle!

singalong times!

and me in the post-christmas chaos!

home

2009-12-29T11:22:00.005-05:00

after days of travelling around, hauling my stuff in and out of my car (which, believe me - was not a small task) i am back home at my apartment. it feels so good to be back. i mean, i loved seeing all my friends and family - but am i ever tired! it was fun being caught up in that whirlwind for a while, but i gotta get back to my routine.

needless to say, i have good news and bad news. the good news is that i made it to the gym 5 days in a row! and each time i didn't just do a lousy little 20 minutes of nothingness, i worked my butt off! in fact, even on christmas day my sister and i went to the y (which was open for holiday hours) and went for a run and a swim. i loved it! there usually isn't much to do on christmas other than eat and watch tv, but this was fun and gave us something to do together.

the bad news is, at some point during this holiday my resolve crumbled. it began christmas eve, and just continued. it was like a snowball effect. all week i was eating food i am not normally accustomed to eating and that someone else prepared. i did my best for the first 3 or 4 days to make my own snacks and lunches/dinners, and was in moderation mode for everything else. but i felt like i couldn't track (i mean, i tried but it was kind of useless) because i wasn't sure what was in some of the food (not that there was anything super funky, but i couldn't be sure what sort of ingredients were used). i was embarassed to ask people because i didn't want to feel like a nusiance. the real clincher happened when i left my favorite water bottle at someones house. i tried to keep drinking water, but i'm pretty sure i wasn't getting enough in.

everything was alright until i began to realize i was losing control. once i got to my sisters place on christmas eve, i just kept. eating. crap. this just basically continued until today.

it's really hard for me to write that because i wanted so so much to do well this holiday, to come out on the other side with pride and confidence in myself like kerry. i feel ashamed and disappointed in myself, annoyed and full of doubts. is this what happens when i can't eat my pre-programmed foods? when i can't control my environment to the umpteenth degree?

but then i heave a big sigh (like i have done at least three times in writing this) and allow myself to be human. bah. i know i feel like a failure, but i *did* follow what i laid out for myself. i packed my food, i made my meals, i went to the gym. i didn't hit every goal spot on, but i certainly tried. i can't imagine what this holiday would have been like if i hadn't tried. next time i will just have to plan harder, and learn to speak up for myself better. this time around i was much more vocal about the changes i have been making in my life (especially since people notice that i have lost weight, and have been asking me about it). that demonstrates a major change for me. up until this point, my weight loss has been a fairly private thing that i didn't really share with people. this time around i want people to know how hard i have worked and i want to inspire them to do the same.

i also tried to be more vocal to my friends about how i have to choose healthy choices everyday. this was probably one of the hardest parts of my holidays, because it became really evident to me that they really just don't understand. they want to support me, but they don't understand how much work it is for me to make healthy choices. for example, two of my girlfriends and i went for breakfast and i had to spend a good 10 minutes pouring over the menu trying to figure out what i could actually eat without feeling guilty. after a while, i muttered something about "i just want to order something healthy..." and one of them responded, "everything at this restaurant is healthy!"

now, sure, my choices at this restaurant were better than, say - pete's fryhouse and burger shack... but i'm pretty sure the nutella and banana crepes that i wanted to order that day would have blown all my pts! and this friend - this beautiful, slender, i-don't-even-own-a-scale friend... didn't understand the struggle that it was for me.

anyways, with all that being said, i haven't had an official weigh-in yet. i skipped saturday since i have a missed meeting coupon to use. i'm going to weigh in this saturday and see what happens. *bite nail* i peeked at the scale this morning and i was up to 198.2... hopefully being back home will help me get back in to the swing of things and shed those few extra holiday lbs.

worth remembering

2009-12-25T18:33:00.002-05:00

in my bloggie travels today, i read something over at www.project365th.blogspot.com that i decided was worth remembering! and reposting ;)

"I love myself because I am more than my body, and that will never change. However, I know my own strength and I know what I want for my future and that means making different and sometimes difficult decisions, but it is worth it and that is what I truly deserve."

wow, challenging and inspiring words that i definitely needed to hear! sometimes it seems so easy for me to forget that i am so much more than this shell of cells, and that despite all the work i put into my health, in the end i am so much more. underneath i am who God created me to be, and all this losing-weight stuff is really about discovering exactly who that is. even though the decisions i have to make are hard and many times other people (including my own friends!) do not understand, i am giving myself what i need and deserve.

anyways, just thought i'd share. props to tiff and check out her blog sometime 'cuz it looks pretty stellar.

toodles!

merry christmas!

2009-12-25T17:55:00.003-05:00

this christmas has been a little unorthodox for me :) last night my sister and i went to a church service and then ordered pizza and wings, came back to her place and watched "surrogates."

today we took it easy. got up early, ate bran flakes and ferreo roche for breakfast, and opened presents. it was just the two of us and it was kind of nice, just chilling out with nowhere to go and no one to see.

three of the gifts from my sister were pairs of running socks. she is a runner and sort of inspired me to get into it, and has been really supportive of my progress. for my last gift, she told me it was something she couldn't "give" to me - but had to "tell" to me. it turns out she registered the two of us for a 5k run in march! needless to say, i was SHOCKED and slightly terrified. lol. however, it is three months away and i am pretty stoked! in my heart of hearts, i really wanted to register to run a 5k, i just didn't have the guts to put myself under the wire. this race is actually a run/walk, so even if i am not able to run the whole thing come march, it won't be too bad. i am going to do everything i can to try, though! only a few months ago i never thought i'd be able to run at all...

how exciting, huh!? i am so excited!

after we exchanged presents her and i headed off to the gym. we ran a few laps on the track, then did 30 mins of running on the treadmill. after that we went swimming.

for "christmas dinner" we decided to have our favorite - pho. i decided i wanted to try vegetable pho this time, so i did... but it was rather disgusting. it had somekind of strange rehydrated mushrooms in it, slash the little corn-on-the-cobs from a can that i despise. after our pho we came home and we are about to watch a few more movies. good times.

tomorrow i am going out to lunch with two of my best buds, which should be fun. it's been a little hard for me seeing all my old friends this year, because more than ever i feel like things have truly "changed." people are starting relationships or getting engaged, graduating, getting jobs, moving away... i don't like the feeling of ungroundedness i get when i realize this... i feel like i'm losing an important part of my life, and people i love so very dearly. it is something i have had to proccess this holiday, and i still haven't done that 100%.

but i know life is impermanent and always changing... after all, i have changed too, which has been so evident in this journey i have embarked on. i just continue to pray that it is in ways that are positive and bring me closer to what really matters. christmas is such a wonderful time of year. i'm so thankful for a wonderful life, a wonderful Saviour, wonderful friends. it may not always be perfect, but times like this help me remember that each day is a gift and i am lucky to be here.

doin' it up!

2009-12-21T21:15:00.002-05:00

so, after finishing my last exams (which were hellish, but i made it through)... i weighed in on saturday morning and was shocked to discover that i lost 1.6 lbs! after my week of exam food (canned soup and peanut butter pitas, basically), i only made it to the gym once... i spent most of the week reading for hours and snacking... but - i still lost! it feels good to know that sometimes there is a little bit of grace.

also, i had a great NSV this week. i started running shortly after i rejoined WW, around the first week of november. this past week i ran eight minutes! it felt great! such a victory, such an accomplishment... and i know this is only the beginning. running eight minutes (which is like 800% more than i could run at the beginning of this journey) means that sooner or later, as long as i keep going, i will be able to run 10, 15, 20, 40, and an hour! so exciting.

in other news, i'm visiting friends and family this week so i packed my little bag of food as per the holiday survival guide. (check) tomorrow i am going to go to a party, but i'm going to eat beforehand and limit the number of plates i will get. (check) in fact, i'm "bartending" mocktails for the night so that should keep me away from the food table well enough!

today was the first day of my "real" vacation, so (as per the plan - check!) i started the day by going to the gym. i got a little frustrated because i had planned to go for a run, but the treadmills they had at this location were flimsy and made me self-concious about the noise they made while i ran. i switched to an elliptical, but it just wasn't the same. i got bored after about 15 minutes. then i tried to do some weights, but they weren't the same as the weights at my gym, so i got frustrated even more. in the end i was there for about an hour as i hopped from machine to machine, but i left feeling annoyed.

this evening i went back for a yoga class, and i just got home. the yoga class was alright - i feel nice and stretched out now. it's been a while since i did any yoga. it used to be one of my fav activities. we did some awkward moves in this class today though that i have never done before! hilarious. additionally i happened to be sitting right next to a semi-good looking young guy, and at one point we were on our backs, extending both legs in opposite directions, and placing our hands on our inner thighs to "deepen the stretch." awk! but c'est la vie.

tonight i am going to take it easy. watch some gilmore girls, possibly make some chia pudding (my new addiction), and sleep. i love this life. ttyl!

my resolve

2009-12-13T22:51:00.002-05:00

so with the holidays around the corner, i am thinking more and more about how i am going to navigate all the temptations of this festive season. i keep running into people who are asking me how i am planning to do it... and more and more i keep hearing that it is perfectly okay to "just maintain."

part of the reason why i joined weight watchers at the end of october was because i knew that if i didn't join then, i wouldn't join until after christmas. i am happy to say that i have lost over seven lbs since then, and i know that i wouldn't have lost that weight if i had not followed my heart. joining ww this time was about making no excuses, doing what i need to do for me
and exerting control over the things that i do indeed have control over. so many times in life i become overwhelmed by what i can not control, but my health is something that is totally and completely up to me. no one else can do the work or make the right decisions for me.

that being said, i have made a few resolutions for myself. keeping these resolutions is how i plan to make it through the holidays and STILL LOSE. that's right folks - i said it! i will still lose in the next two weeks, because i am focused on my goal. i am not going to spend another year unhappy with my weight. the holidays represent the challenges i face in my environment, and i know that conquering them will represent my resilience and resolve to stick this out no matter what challenges i may come across. this is my time.

now, for the game plan.

1. i am going out of town for a week and will be staying at my friends place. while i am there i will:

- pack my own food to make my own meals and snacks, since their family doesn't eat like i do.
- track everything i eat, even if i slip off the bandwagon.
- bring my water bottle and crystal light, and make sure to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
- go to the gym EVERY DAY i possibly can.

2. i will be hosting and going to holiday parties. at these parties i will:

- eat before i leave.
- have a drink, but only allow myself to get a plate from the snack table once.
- track EVERYTHING.
- only go to the parties i truly want to go to.

this holiday i want to give more than receive. i don't want this to be another holiday where i feel as though i'm grabbing for people, gifts, attention, food, time. i want to give my love, advice, gifts, appreciation, and time to the people in my life. and part of that giving is giving myself what i need. i've spent months being so busy i can hardly think, so the next two weeks off are my time to refresh, renew, and revitalize myself. i want to take care of myself, and i am doing that by eating properly and looking after my body and not spreading myself thin like i have done every other year.

i will do what i set out to do. i will succeed.

my first saturday of laziness...

2009-12-12T14:39:00.002-05:00

it has been quite a while.

once upon a time, saturday's meant pure, unadulterated laziness. unshowered, unscheduled, unimportant days of laissez-faire internet surfing, hulu watching and random tasks that didn't fit in anywhere else. that all changed approximately four or five weeks ago, when my life became a crazy haze of omgihavesomuchworktodo.

today has been slightly reminescent of those days. i am currently sitting on my bed in the same clothes i woke up in, catching up on the blogroll and making plans to eat leftovers for lunch and write emails. i love the sun pouring in through my window over the clouds of my big, white duvet. i'm so comfy cozy. i love this feeling.

i'm also feelin' pretty happy because today was weigh-in, and i lost 1.4 this week! honestly, i couldn't be happier with that number! i feel so encouraged that the choices i'm making are paying off on the scale...

i was a little worried last night because i went and saw the sound of music. the show was fabulous, but afterwards we stopped for dinner at a chic little italian place. i knew it was late and i didn't want to get anything heavy, plus i used up ALL my flexpoints earlier in the week, so i knew i had almost nothing to work with. i ordered a small thin-crust pizza on a multigrain crust with brie and mushrooms, and a side salad. i only ate half the pizza (the rest is for lunch!) and while the side salad had a lot of oil on it (should have asked for the dressing on the side, oh well) i didn't think the choice i made was that bad. it was a very enjoyable, wholesome meal (as compared to something like chicken fingers and fries!)

hope your week is going well.

i can breathe again

2009-12-10T17:46:00.006-05:00

well, yesterday i handed in my final paper of the semester! finally i can breathe slash think slash appreciate being alive for a moment or two. the last few nights have been pretty insane... needless to say i have been burnin' the midnight oil...

but now all the major stuff is done, and all is left is exams :) i spent last night in my bed watching the biggest loser finale and being awestruck at how those guys lost sooo much weight in just five months. so amazing!

i also made a few changes to this layout. i'm becoming quite obsessed with bloggieland! i've found some great blogs that are really interesting and inspiring. i love knowing there are other people in the world struggling with the same challenges i am, each day, every day... the "boring" struggles of choosing to make healthy food choices, go to the gym, and chug that gosh-darned water. i love that someone out there truly does understand!

hopefully blogging becomes a more regular activity for me, since there is something i love about sharing my life with others and maybe inspiring them a little...

ahem. on that note, today was a great day. i started bright and early with some steel cut oats with pumpkin, brown sugar and some yogurt:

after that i took a trek to the gym with a friend. i did half an hour on the elliptical and 15 minutes of running. fyi, i have been running every week! I LOVE IT! it's amazing to be able to track my progress and really feel the improvement. when i first started at the beginning of november, i could barely run one minute. now i am running intervals of 3 and 5 minutes! i get such a great sense of satisfaction from seeing myself getting stronger and healthier...

after the gym i met some friends for a sushi feast. unfortunately, i didn't take pictures... but it was fantastic. i basically obliterated my daily points, but i have some flex and worked out today, so i'm pretty sure everything will balance out fine.

i am really excited because i am going to see the sound of music tomorrow!

my sister and i bought my mom tickets for her birthday, so we're gonna have a little mother/daughter time. i'm going to try and save some of my flex points because she wants to go out to dinner first. hopefully we don't go to somekind of expensive italian place, or somewhere where i will have no idea what to order. i tried to google some places around the theatre yesterday, to no avail. i figure i will just eat before i leave (so i'm not that hungry) and wing it once we are there.

it's times when i reflect on stuff like this that i can't imagine being on a diet that restricted certain foods. i feel like i already "restrict" myself so much, but heck - i can eat anything i want! it would be 120x harder if i couldn't eat oil or carbs or dairy. i'm thankful that what i'm doing is working for me and it's something that i can live with. sure, sometimes i get scared about how i am going to manuever christmas get-togethers or restaurant dinners. but i always know i can figure out a way to count it up and move on...

anyways that's about all for today. the rest of the night will be spent making christmas lists and a plan for shopping tomorrow!

toodles!

weigh-in

2009-12-05T12:28:00.005-05:00

i'm just about to start on my fourth and final essay, but i wanted to do a post re: weigh-in today. i'm happy to report i'm down 1.4! yay! i had a really good week this week... ate a lot of veggies, drank a lot of water... i'm in a season right now where i'm not craving junk, i'm just happy eating my pitas, hummus, crudites, soups, smoked salmon, frozen yogurt, and the rest of my staples. i'm absolutely obsessed with hummus right now, i've gone through 3 packages in the past week... i also bought two cans of chickpeas so i can make it in the bullet. i'm going to try and replicate a "veggie" flavoured hummus i tried this week... it was SOOOO good! i think they had some spinach in there...

another REALLY exciting update is that i weighed in at 199.8 last week - putting me in ONEDERLAND!

i have been yearning to see those little numbers written in my ww book for soooooo long! this really is a huge accomplishment for me, and i was so happy to share it with my meeting this morning... (last week i had to weigh in at another location because i was out of town)

a blurb about onederland will follow soon, because i have a lot to say about it :)
but that will have to wait until a little later, at least until i'm done a liiiiiiiiittle more of this essay...

i do want to still want to talk about a few things though.

first of all, last night i went to my first christmas potluck of the season. i had a lot of flexpoints left and so i ate what was there... and i ate quite a bit of stuff i haven't been eating because a.) it's too expensive and b.) i don't keep that stuff in my house. they had cheese fondue, chocolate fondue, cheese and artichoke dip, veggies, casseroles... the works! i ate what i wanted and had a little bit of dessert... but you know what? i was SHOCKED when the night was done and i felt soooooo sick! i probably ate 1/3 of what i normally would... and i was SO full. this made some of the changes i have made in my life really hit home...

i also realized that this was just the first of many of these little parties. for this one i had a lot of points left so i could eat most of the food that was there... but if i have three or four of these little shindigs a week, i'm going to need to plan. i can't tell myself it's "okay" to indulge just because it's a party, or because everyone else is eating, or because it's christmas and i'll get back on track tomorrow. part of the reason why i signed up for WW in november was because i knew that if i didn't take control, i would be another six months down the road, regretting my choices and wishing things had gone differently. i have made the decision to be PROACTIVE and lose the weight i need to lose, holiday or no holiday!

so i'm gonna post my holiday survival goals in a post soon as well.

anyways, i gotta get back to work. i will post some food pics later... i am literally eating out of a bag these days, i just keep packing my lunch to go here, there, and everywhere! today's breakfast was pumpkin pie oatmeal, lunch was sausage and veggie soup with a piece of crustless spinach and cheese quiche, and who knows about dinner... all i can think about is getting my essay finished...

toodles!

extra, extra!

2009-12-01T01:42:00.006-05:00

well, i was home all day and decided it was about time i pulled out the package of shirataki-like noodles i bought from the organic store the other day. i'll admit i was a little bit suspicious about the whole idea of noodles made of tofu, soaked in water... (sketchy) but i was really excited about trying this hyped up speghetti noodle with 0 (yes, you read that right!) points a serving!

needless to say, i was prepared for the worst. i decided the best way to tackle them was to stirfry up some fresh veggies; broccoli, onion, and mushroom. i added a low-sodium soy sauce and a teaspoon of sesame oil.

the result? well i'm pleased to say that i loved them! they are definitely more of an asian tasting noodle - they reminded me of mr. noodles or top ramen, or just the vermicelli i get whenever i go and eat vietnamese! i was really pleased at how it turned out!

another new food i tried out today (i swear, i'm obsessed!) is the simply bar in chocolate raspberry! honestly, when i first saw this thing - i was totally turned off. but since i got it for free, i have been saving it since july for a point when i was desperate for some protein (there is 16 grams in each bar). well, i was starving before my oatmeal breakfast this morning so i opened the wrapper and took a bite.

... WOW!

all i can say is that was it ever tasty! and it is only 2 pts!

more updates tomorrow. i'm pooped!

week four weigh-in

2009-11-28T18:13:00.002-05:00

so i went out of town for some visiting yesterday, and so this morning i was in a strange and foreign land but knew i couldn't allow this to be an excuse to miss my weigh-in! i felt like suuuuuuch a bum this week... i spent most of it in front of a screen, or in class, or watching tv... horrid! i went to the gym ONCE to go to a spin class (wednesday morning) because i couldn't take it anymore - i needed some kind of activity! anyways i was a good little girl this week food-wise (because i knew i was slackin' on the activity front) so this week, with the BARE MINIMUM of activity, i managed to lose .8!

losing that much has finally pushed me over 200 and into ONEDERLAND! i am proud to say i have never been this "light" in my adult life... even at twelve, i weighed in at 206 lbs! this is a huge accomplishment for me, to say the least, and i am excited to celebrate it with my leader and regular group of WW'ers next week at my regular weekly meeting :)

i am going to try and make more time this week to visit the gym, even though i still have the pressure of stuff to do. when it comes down to it - this is life. i have deadlines, and i always will. i have stress. but my health needs to be a priority to me. last week i made it through with a loss, but i know i could have probably dropped another pound or so if i had been to the gym a few times. and to be honest, i spent most of my time procrastinating anyways. i feel like if i plan my time effectively, it will be worth it...

so tomorrow i'm going to have to get some groceries (i've run out of anything green and alive) and make some stuff for the week. i find that loading up early and making lots of grab&go meals is a really big key to success! i will also be stocking up on campbells chunky soup! the chicken vegetable kind is my favorite... it's more like stew than soup!

aww yeah... another great find i will leave you with that i tried recently (after seeing it on a few different blogs) is POPCHIPS! i bought a bag last week and boooooooy were they ever DELISH! 4 pts for half a bag!

the way i feel

2009-11-21T01:34:00.002-05:00

this week has been a stellar week. i really struggled for the first few days with tracking and eating within my points range, but i am under so much stress and pressure right now that i am really proud of myself that i have more or less been able to stick with it. i even made it to the gym.

part of why i believe in ww is because i really think everyone can make it work for their life. no matter where you're living, what kind of food you have access to, what sort of stage of life you are in... you can work the program to fit your needs. it's healthy, it's basic common sense, and it has worked for me. in the past i've had people tell me to "switch up my plan" when i felt discouraged with the slowness of my results. that is, they suggested i do a different program. i thought about it a few times but would always come back to ww, because i want to live a healthier lifestyle, not just lose weight. that and nothing else has ever worked for me.

even though my weight loss has been slow (i started at 285 lbs. in 2001) i feel like losing slowly has helped me really adjust along the way. i have been able to emotionally, physically, and psychologically adjust to every transformation of 10 - 30 lbs. even if it was super slow, i think i need that time to let everything sink in.

i calculated some numbers tonight. there are 29 weeks until june. if i lose one pound a week until my birthday, i will be at 170 by my birthday. what a great goal that would be. i've never been that thin.

anyways, all in all a stressful week but i am proud to have made it through with nothing super bad to report! weigh-in tomorrow, we'll see how i did! toodles

SSSSTOPPP SNACKING!!

2009-11-16T10:57:00.003-05:00

so i have a tooooooooooon of schoolwork this week and next... i honestly am so stressed out about it... and i am finding it SO hard to stay away from the pantry slash fridge! these are the times when i realize i am such an emotional eater.

feel pretty bad that i haven't made it to the gym for the last few days. the running has been going GREAT - i even got a run in the other day around the neighbourhood because i didn't have time to go to the gym. it was a lot harder than being on the treadmill (i think because i wasn't able to pace myself, knowing exactly how fast i was running and for how long) and i got a killer side stitch half way through... brutal.

really, i am just writing this to keep me sane. the urge to snack keeps running through me as i try and plow through some of this work! maybe i will reward myself somehow if i can get through this... GOOD CALL... doneeeeeeee

i had my weigh-in on saturday and i gained a pound... yes, i struggled a bit this week but i was surprised to actually gain a whole pound. i think it was because i didn't get to the gym as much, and had a pretty salty meal the night before. i'm hoping i'm down this week, i'm gonna do my best... but i just have soo little time :(

maybe i should hit the gym up at night for a study break... like tonight after work... good call ME

also i am quite excited because i am going to buy an ipod NANO! yayYYY (this is critical with the new running regime, i am realizing)

anyways i will probably blog more later when i have more urges to snack. 'til then...

worked out and feelin' good!

2009-11-11T11:33:00.002-05:00

so today i finished the third day of walking/running... i'm definitely getting better! yayyy.

i'm slowly overcoming the hurdle of thinking that everyone in the gym is watching me. i just turn up my music loud, run for a while and figure even if they are shocked - it will wear off after a few minutes, so i'll just keep doing my thing. it's liberating.

i just feel sooo good right now. i feel so in control, so on top of the world! i'm gonna eat lunch and then tackle this thing called life! with midterms done, i have about 4656.6 million assignments due in the next three weeks. i have written myself out a schedule, but sticking to the schedule is the hard part! wasting time is my middle name... i find it so hard to balance ww, gym, school, work, social life, and random stuff! it's all about control though. i need to start viewing things as in my control (internal locust) instead of controlled by the universe and completely out of control (external locust). hey, i really did learn something in psych class. it's true though, everytime i get overwhelmed it feels like things are spiralling and i'm scrambling. not this time though! wish me luck...

in other news: today is remembrance day, and i resolved while at the gym that from now on i am going to make more of a concerted effort to remember. not just one minute of one day a year, but many times as i live this thing called life. war is such a terrible thing. i'm so blessed to live in this country, to have the heritage that i have, to hear the stories of those who came before me and made sacrifices so i could be here today.

first week back

2009-11-08T00:42:00.003-05:00

this past week was my first week back OP. it was a good week!

i lost 1.2! hoorah!

i struggled a few times; there was an all-you-can-eat sushi incident (i strayed a little when the tempura shrimp rolled around) and a few nights of feeling like i wanted to gnaw on my couch... but i am easing back in to the routine of counting points, drinking my water and going to the gym. i feel better about myself and i see an improvement in my mood and energy... so that is good.

part of the reason why i rejoined meetings was because i had a dr's appointment and have to go for some testing soon. more updates to come, i don't really have a lot of info yet.

in other news, i have been kicking butt at the gym and went out the other day and bought a swim cap, goggles, and some swanky running shoes. i am trying the C25k program! my sister is a runner and is helping me get started. i'm really looking forward to challenging myself at running and seeing some serious progress!

speaking of progress, the weights at the gym have been paying off because last night i had my grip tested and i had the hardest grip of all 6 ladies that were there! WICKED! i have never been super strong, especially in my arms - so i have been paying special attention to them and doing more tricep/bicep work on my weight machines! (instead of working on my legs which are already bulky enough!) i really feel like the work i am doing at the gym is help keeping me focused on my holistic health - not just losing weight. for example, the other day i had a very light dinner and then headed off to swim practice. usually i am able to go about 40 mins without getting tired! well, on this particular night i only did about 15 minutes and felt like i just couldn't go on. i started to get a little headache and felt frustrated and tired. then i remembered how little i had eaten for dinner, and how nutritionally crappy it was! (i wish i could remember, i think it may have been cake...) i couldn't believe the effect of this food on my body - comparatively my performance was way down... really demonstrating to me that despite the cliche, food really is fuel and next time i need to fuel up properly!

that's about all for now folks, hope you had a good week!

what will it take?

2009-10-21T21:31:00.004-04:00

been trying to find some source of motivation for the last two weeks... i need to kick my butt in gear, to really jump on board and do this with everything i got. i keep trying to ask myself what is at the bottom of me not wanting to do what it takes to lose weight. is it because i'm scared? is it because i'm lazy? because i'm addicted to food? all of the above? i'm confused and need to refocus. i need to dedicate myself, and find the motivation to do that from somewhere. today i found a great quote:

"I can't take away the things that have happened to you or me, but what we have (maybe as a reward for getting through all those other days) is today... today is a gift."

and also...

"behind every beautiful thing there is some kind of pain." - bob dylan

lazy day

2009-10-10T14:20:00.005-04:00

it's 2:30 and i still have yet to make anything of this day. what a bummer. i've decided that tuesday will be the day i recommit to the program.

today is the first day of the rest of my life. i'm gonna get up, shake myself off, and start walking in the right direction :) i won't forget that there is something inside me that makes me strong.

people are funny

2009-10-08T23:39:00.003-04:00

i was on the elliptical at the gym today, feeling incredibly thankful for the fact that my room mates are now my gym buddies.

i was also thinking about how much i like watching people at the gym. i like analyzing them. i wonder what they're like and where they come from. i wonder how old they are, and if they are married. i run into the same people alot and they have become my little friends, who i have never met, but i know who they are and they know who i am.

there is mr. i'm-so-hot, who walks around the room as if everyone is looking at him. he checks out all the girls shamelessly, chats people up, and uses the water fountain frequently to spit in. there is the arms-like-thighs guy, who has massive arms but also wears camo pants and combat boots to come work out (which i find quite strange). there is the old lady who has high pants and a ponytail (she sweats alot), the young girl in full makeup and hair who doesn`t sweat at all and talks on her cellphone the whole time she`s on the elliptical, and vegetable-man; a man who shaved his entire head except for a small island on top, which grew long enough to part in the centre to make him look distinctly like a carrot.

these faces make my trips to the gym more interesting.

operation: motivation

2009-10-08T00:40:00.002-04:00

this weight battle seems to have gone on forever. sometimes i find myself thinking - "you know, this is just a part of who i am. maybe my body isn't meant to shed this weight. maybe even i lose thirty pounds, i'll still look exactly the same"

realizing this has been a big deal. i certainly don't look the same as i did 85 lbs. ago, and there was a time i never thought i could get any smaller. so i'm still on this journey - it hasn't stopped yet and i don't think it ever will. losing weight is just a part of my life, but it's a part that is connected to my priorities, the way that i handle things, the way that i treat myself and the way i discipline myself. those things will always be important.

motivation is sometimes so hard to come by. i have trouble keeping my goals clearly in front of me. this blog is the diary of my struggles but also a scrapbook of all the things that keep me motivated. so why am i doing it?

i want to feel better and have more energy
i want to look better
i want to avoid the risk of diabetes and high blood pressure
i want to save my knees
i want the real me to shine through
i want to stop making excuses for not living life

i can, and i will.

and... i'm back!

2009-10-06T23:21:00.001-04:00

that's right folks.

willpower.

2008-12-02T20:48:00.002-05:00

i did it, i did it... i resisted temptation.

i'm facing myself again in the light of exams. another year is fast approaching, and i remember last christmas like it was yesterday. i realize i do not want to be unhealthy another year. i want to know what it feels like to look in the mirror and be proud of where i have come from, to know i am truly myself in my own skin.

the positive part is i am about twenty pounds less than i was last christmas. i have made strides, and sometimes i forget to give myself credit. i am dreaming again, i am planning. even though i have been through hurdles, they never stop... and i have moved and pushed through, as best i could.

i have so much to be thankful for.

faced with the easy way out, in everything... life, school, food, weight... i am learning to be strong. i fail at it sometimes but it isn't worth giving up. i will be successful.

control

2008-11-26T10:30:00.002-05:00

well, it has been more than a month now since i had a WI at WW. it started on thanksgiving. i decided to take a "break", just for the weekend, and things went downhill from there. now i've moved, made it through midterms, lost both the jobs i had, applied for a new job, and i've maintained the weight loss but wish i was down on the scale since a month and a half ago.

i feel out of control again. i'm lacking confidence, and i feel depressed about things. i've been turning to food alot for comfort, and now i'm finding it just doesn't have it. that is so hard to come to terms with because i really want it to. it offers escape so quickly but, so briefly. then i am faced with the same stress, pressure, and loneliness i had before. and i realize it wasn't worth it.

i am not someone who likes to be defined, but without a doubt i know i am an emotional eater. big time. i think that is the most significant obstacle to my weight loss. that and the fact i am a carb addict... but, i mean, those two things are pretty much best friends with matching keychains.

trying to motivate myself to start again is not easy. i want to go back to meetings, but it's difficult because now i'm in a strange new city and the meeting place is strange and new. last time it was the same one i've always been to since i was twelve years old. now i'm scared. that's the sad truth.

plus i don't even know what to eat anymore. i'm back in the mindset that i "need" certain foods like sugar, or bread. there is a nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, "you can't do it." i really want to prove that voice wrong. i know i will, it's just a matter of when.

i think about my life and the promises i've made to myself. i don't want to be overweight at 24. i have allowed myself to be imprisoned by this for too long. i can't allow it any longer. i need to be 100% on board for this, because if i don't do it now i never will. i will have another year of wishing i was something i wasn't, of holding myself back from what i want to be. i can't allow that anymore.

that's enough motivation.

zee update

2008-09-03T13:17:00.003-04:00

so this is week # 5, and things are going great! i am down a total of 8.4 lbs!

*and there was much rejoicing*

i'm not seeing it, really, although i am definitely feeling better and my confidence is up. i decided signing up for WW was definitely a step in the right direction and plunked down the money for 20 weeks in my last meeting. although i could almost hear the drain sound echoing from my bank account as i keyed in my pin #, i honestly think it is a good decision because the program is working for me and i really need to do something about my weight.

in other news, i am done working full-time and am back to school in only a few days. orientation was yesterday, i met some interesting new people and even others that i had seen last year but never met. they are all going on a retreat for the rest of the week, but i opted out because i'm taking some r&r before my life changes dramatically...

not only am i going back to school, but i'm gonna be moving in the next two months. i was already thinking of moving, and even looking at places, and some drama with my landlord a few days ago has solidified everything. definitely gonna be moving to toronto, which is a little scary in itself. i think i'm ready though.

so what else is going on...

for breakfast i had a egg and spinach scramble. i'm a little puzzled at the scale because usually by this point (half-way through the week) i've dropped at least a pound. strangely mine is reading that i've actually gained a pound. i've stayed within my points ranges and everything, no tom, so i'm thinking maybe it's been the fact that i've eaten quite a bit of junk food and coffee recently, so i'm probably retaining water. perhaps i shall pick up some asparagus from the grocery store later.

stress eating

2008-08-27T23:34:00.002-04:00

this week i've realized a few interesting things. interesting and important things.

first of all, i have to eat consistently. this is now my third week on WW, and so i'm getting into the swing of things. it's exciting because i am learning about my body. an apparent biggie is that i have to eat, like, all the time. it's like clockwork. i can track it. approximately every 2.5 - 3 hours, i start getting the hunger pangs. 4 hours and i'm ready to devour anything.

also, i really, really do use food as an emotional crutch. last week i had two headaches (unheard of for me), which i - dumbfounded - decided had to be related to all the stress i was under with school/work/finding a place to live. while i think it was the stress, i had a revelation this week that it is more than likely directly related to the fact that i normally cope with that stress by eating. now that i can't do that, my body is confused! i'm forced to feel and engage and not bury things with heaps of carbs and salt and sugar. what a pity. and so, folks, this is what withdrawl from a food addiction feels like.

it sucks. every night i get so uncomfortable because i'm hungry. my mouth actually starts to salivate at the thought of cereal. who could've guessed.

i suppose this is encouraging because it means i'm dippin' into fat stores, and this whole thing is working. and in fact, it is. i peeked at the scale the other morning and it read 211! it's there, guys and gals... right in my grasp. i'm so motivated to get to "onederland" - i'm tellin' ya, nothing is gonna stop me.

not even an indian wedding on friday night. gah. indian food. what else could be more comforting? i love it and it is definitely going to be challenging to draw the line. i will have to remember what happened today though. that will help me keep my eyes tame enough for my stomach...

yes... today i went to subway and i was absolutely starving. i definitely didn't eat enough for breakfast or lunch (they were about 7 pts combined) and it was 3 oclock. this was way over my 2.5 - 3 hour time frame and my body was screamin'. needless to say, i went in to subway and basically ordered the whole store. i got a footlong grilled chicken sub, soup, chips, and a cookie. plus an iced tea. it was glorious, it was wonderful. finally, i was full. there was still about 1/4 of the sub left, as well as half the soup, but i was full and feelin' good.

until we hit the mall. then i wasn't feelin' so hot. then i got a stomach cramp and could hardly walk. then, i began to feel sick. this was not going to be a day of pulling favors for highly suspect grilled chicken subs.

let's just say the rest is not such a nice story.

... and it's working ...

2008-08-20T22:02:00.002-04:00

sorry this update is a bit late...

saturday was my first weigh-in.

i lost 3.2 lbs. yipee!

the weigh-in lady made a comment about me being brave by wearing jeans. i was headed to work straight after, so i didn't really have a choice.

this week had some hard times but i think i have overall stayed OP. despite a few binges (somewhere along the way i became a binge eater...) and party-food get togethers i have stuck to my guns. i'm learning where to draw the line. i can feel my body following suit. i'm not having the same cravings anymore. i'm becoming satisfied with what i have to eat... whereas last week was hell at times. i really missed junky food and felt deprived. but sticking it out is paying off.

becoming reconnected with my body is slightly strange. i find my focus is shifting now that i am losing weight, and i'm cutting myself some slack. i'm not perfect, but i could certainly be worse off. i'm so happy i'm doing what i can to be the best i can be.

this next week is gonna be hard. my best friend is going back to school in the states tomorrow, so we're not gonna be able to hang out til she comes back at christmas. i have the opportunity to move too, and i think i'm going to take it. school starts in less than two weeks. work gets nixed in half. financially, emotionally, physically... i need to be ready for the changes ahead. eek.

yeehaw

2008-08-10T22:10:00.001-04:00

WW Taco Soup Recipe

2 cans fat free chicken broth
1 can diced ortega chiles
1 can each: red, black, pinto beans
1 can fat free chili
1 can mexican style crushed tomatoes
2 Tbsp taco seasoning
veggies to taste
simmer for 30 minutes

1 cup = 1 pt

will definitely have to try this...

blugh.

2008-08-10T13:17:00.005-04:00

so i woke up this morning with the most craptacular feeling in my stomach, most likely caused by the east side marios munchathon i partook in last night.

so i went to church, went to the bank, dropped off my resume for a new job, picked something up and went to the mall... all without eating breakfast which i normally never do. i figured that might give my stomach a chance to settle and apparently it worked, because the feeling of nastiness has passed.

about five minutes ago i arrived home. ravenously, i completely devoured a peach and two bowls of cereal. it was the best cereal of my life though.

i would also like to say... even though this is only my third official day OP, i am really noticing a difference in the way i feel. i could use a little more energy, but on the whole i find my mood is way more balanced (must be the lack of sugar crashes) and i do have more energy. i feel cleaner and healthier. overall, my body feels more nourished. it's kind of neat.

travelling pants

2008-08-10T02:38:00.003-04:00

so today presented it's first obstacle to being OP... celebrating my friends birthday at the local east side marios. i went in confident... and despite eating more than i should have, i definitely didn't eat as much as i would have on any normal outing!

i used my remaining 9 pts for the day, and 21 flex pts. i'm not worried because i know that's what they are there for. it was quite glorious actually. afterwards we went to see the sisterhood of the travelling pants part deux. it was really good! and i couldn't help but think of how much i like the look/style of alexa bledel in the movie...

aside from the fact that she is a stick and i'm, well, not - the style and look of her character in the movie is the same as mine and i might even venture we look a little bit alike. it's exciting because it makes me wonder what i will look like when i have finally lost this extra weight.

other than that - first meeting today. the leader seems really nice and supportive. i'm geared up for the next few weeks to reach my 10% goal.

two things were brought again into light tonight. one being the fact that i have gorgeous friends, who get a lot of male attention. i don't know what it is, but i always seem to notice this. when we walk into a restaurant or a mall, i always seem to catch guys checking them out. fatefully, i am always ignored. it's sounds petty but this really bothers me. i don't want to be the "fat friend" anymore. i'm tired of going unnoticed.

also, i'm discovering how truly obsessed with food i am. i've contemplated jotting down every time i think of food during a given day. it would probably be 25 - 30 times. i think i am noticing it more now because i have to shut myself down, whereas normally i would give in. giving in means a window of distraction for a few hours - that is, no thoughts of food. today i sat down to watch tv and must have thought about getting up to get a snack about 5 or 6 times. it was ridiculous! this illumination has provoked me to integrate a rehabilitation from "food obsession" into my short-term goals. i think this will go hand in hand with not turning to food for comfort, emotional or physical, and not eating from boredom.

more adventures to come.

first day op

2008-08-08T23:17:00.002-04:00

so today was my first official day...

didn't go that badly! i stayed within my points range. also, my room mate found my ww paraphenalia and tuned in to the new revolution. good stuff.

it excites me to know i am making changes in my life. for so long i felt powerless about my weight. i've done nothing, but now i feel like i can do it. if all i have to do is stick to ww, then i can do that.

it's really exciting for me to think about what i will look like in a month, three months, six months or a year. what changes will occur in my body? what about in my spirit?

i feel like this is a total life transformation. i'm becoming more of who i want to be.

work is still work. school weighs down on me. but when it comes to doing something about my weight, at least i am headed in the right direction.

the fridge is full of lots of yumminess.

* peaches
* plums
* whole wheat bread and ww tortillas
* eggs
* milk
* 7 reasons cereal
* lettuce
* blueberries
* cantaloupe
* green beens
* potatoes
* stir fry pork
* brown rice
* roast chicken

this week i am committing to not turn to food for comfort...

goals

2008-07-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

yesterday i was reading someone elses blog, and they reminded me of how many years i have waited to lose weight. i realized how sorry and defeated i have felt for myself, never doing anything about it. i've wallowed and pitied myself, and comforted myself with food, but i've always used that as an excuse to wallow a little more, a little longer, denying myself the chance to have what i really want.

so what is it i really want? i want to be able to feel good about how i look, to be healthy, to find out what the weight is holding back. i wanna strip away the reasons i punish myself by staying the way i am. i want to prove everyone wrong.

it's my choice and my journey.

today i'm praying for strength.

exposure

2008-07-17T00:12:00.003-04:00

a few months ago i had this dream.

in my dream, i was somehow teleported back in time to when i was eighteen. it was some mistake of the space-time continuum.

for a long time i just chilled out in 2005. i went to places i was familiar with, thinking perhaps somehow i would find the key to get me back to where i really belonged.

since i kept going to familiar places and seeing familiar things, the whole time i was overwhelmed by this pervasive fear of coming face to face with myself. that is, the person i used to be. i kept seeing myself at my old hotspots, dressed in my old clothes and weighing my old weight. everytime i saw myself i had to hide my face and i would skulk around so that i wouldn't be seen. coming face to face with the old me was so scary that i could actually feel it in the pit of my stomach. you know, that achy fear. i was terrified.

part of me feels that same kind of fear beginning this journey.

who knows what will be unconvered underneath this weight?

will i like what i see after all of it is gone?

and what if i don't?

me: uncovered

2008-07-16T23:06:00.001-04:00

random tidbits about me:

i love...

peanut butter.
my sister.
music.
sleep.
movies you get lost in.
painting my nails funky colours.
sandy lakes.
good talks with friends.
coffee. i fell in love with it only to be told i can't drink it anymore by the doc :( what a sad thing indeed!
funky sunglasses.
toronto.
learning new things.
travelling.
people. when they don't annoy the crap out of me.

sometimes i think...

i will fail.
i will be a fabulous success.
my family is so weird.
i could change the world.

i cry when...

i feel lost in life.
i feel like i lost a friend.
i remember how things once were.
i feel powerless to change.
someone i love is hurting.
i wish that things were different.